If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good! ~ Dr Seuss

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Living better through chemisty

Today I want to share a story about how I came to be diagnosed with ADD.  It was about 18 months ago and I was angry and yelling all the time.  No one could do anything right.  This was especially hard on my kids because my son is so shy and sensitive.  He is a pleaser and he genuinely wants everyone to be friends and be happy.  I was the poster child for unhappy.  My weight was up and my attitude sucked.  In a moment of utter despair I did two things that changed my outlook on my life.  First I told my kids I quit, I could not take being a mom or wife anymore.  This crushed them and I felt so guilty afterwards I didn't know what to do.  My daughter asked me for days (weeks) if I was going to come home and if I was going to leave her forever.  The second was in a fit of rage I picked her up and tossed her on her bed.  I knew what I was doing.  I knew where the bed was and made sure she would land there.  But what could make a person so upset they needed to toss a kid.  These 2 things were a turning point for me, unfortunately i turned downhill for a while and got really sad and thought about the world with out me in it.  I was a mess.  I talked with my husband and decided to talk to a counselor.

She was wonderful.  I began going weekly and she and I worked on exercises to control my temper.  We talked about my circle thinking brain and strategies to deal with stress.  Getting a routine was top of the list, unfortunately is it the worst item for me.
About 6 months in to our sessions she asked me about my week.  I told her I was so proud about getting the dishes in the sink before I left, having mine and my son's lunch ready on time.  Then when I got home the milk was out on the counter.  She asked me a curious question.  "Does that happen to you often?  Do you not complete tasks or think you are finished and your not?"  Well sure, isn't that every one's life?

Well it turns out I was wrong.  Not everyone lives with forgetting what they are doing when the walk out of the room.  Yes, it happens sometime or another to everyone.  It happened to me multiple times a day. So she asked about ADD and ADHD in my family history, well my brother was on medications all though school and my mom still has problems.  She almost laughed (not in a mean way) at my nativity.  So I went to see my PCP.  We talked about highs and lows, my life, did I get super excited, loose sleep, have problems when I was concentrating on something new and exciting....The answer was yes and they decided I could be bi-polar and would not give me any medication and referred me to the psychologist.  Have you tried to see a psychologist as a new patient when you are not currently thinking of suicide or homicide?  It is not an easy task, months and months.  That is how long it was going to take.  This was not okay with me. 

I was an emotional roller coaster.  Highs - I could get help, it was chemical, I was not crazy.  Lows - Bi-polar was scary, there was something wrong with me, I would be medicated for life, I needed help now!.  I made many phone calls and got on lots of waiting lists.  Finally I found a Dr who would see me.  Her office was 40 miles away and my wonderful boss let me set up appointments on my work days because that was only 1/2 way to her office. 

We talked and she felt it was unlikely I was bi-polar and thought an anti-depressant could help.  She wrote me a 30 day scrip and I was off.  She said it could take a few weeks to build up and to call if things got worse.  Also my husband had to watch for signs of anger.  Well it sucked the life out of me, I did not care one little bit about anything.  When I went back she was upset I had not called, but I was really just giving it a couple of weeks to kick in.  She offered to change it but I just keep thinking if I could just finish my tasks I would not be depressed.  If I could just be more orgainzed I could be happier.  She agreed to try so we tried Aderol 10 mg a day Extended Release pills.  They worked almost the first day.  PS - Do not start taking a stimualnt and sudafed at the same time; it makes your heart crazy.

I felt free, happy, relaxed.  My husband know when I miss a dose and so do the kids. I am even getting better at recognizing my "crazy brain" over reactions reactions vs. when the kids are just being really bad. 
My journy does not end here but this post is long enough.  In closing get help, ask a friend, a doctor, not everyone's life is a crazy chaotic mess.  It does get better and quickly too if you get the right help.


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